For the past week, I have been walking around the house singing "It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year". I sing it every year at this time with lyrics that rhyme with things like how much more food will be in the frig now that the kids are going back to school, and how much cleaner the house will be, to how quiet it will be because the kids will be doing their homework or going to sleep at a decent hour.
This year, I find myself not singing it with as much vigor as usual. Today my son caught me staring at him. He smiled and said his usual "what". I just remarked that I just thought he was such a cutie. How could I tell him that I was trying to take a visual picture of my son without facial hair and that baby look still on his youthful face? After all it seemed like yesterday when he was running in the yard while trying to keep his diaper from falling down chasing after one of our dogs. Now, he is starting middle school, and he is starting to talk about which college he will attend. (the aching in my heart has begun).
My daughter which starts her sophmore year in high school is coloring her hair tonight so she can make this big impact on her first day. I still recall the four year old little busy body dragging her 2 month old brother out of the crib upside down, and bringing him to me. His face tomato red with a big smile as I felt the blood drain from mine. That lil busy body is now bugging me to get her driver's permit. Gracious, the child can't even drive a shopping cart for pity sake! But I will have to muster all of my courage, and let her drive in a parking lot soon...a very large parking lot! 2 1/2 years until she turns 18. The ache in my heart grows larger.
There will be a time when there will be no more going to Walmart for school supplies, or late night hair coloring sessions. There may be a time where it might be a year or more before I even see my kids. After all it has been over a year since my Mom has seen me.
Contemplating this future has been sobering. Lately I find myself wanting to spend as much time with my children as possible. Trying not to let one moment go by, because that moment will not come again. Not while they are this age. I wish I had taken more pictures of them while they were younger. Too late the moment has passed. I have friends who say they can't wait to be grandparents. I can wait. That time will be here soon enough.
Until then, with tears streaming down my face, I am thankful my babies still need me. I am still Mama, I don't feel good, Mama, I'm hungry, and Mama I still need you now. I get to wake up early and make sure my kids are ready in time for the bus to arrive. I get to lean against the door frame and watch them get on the bus while waving and telling them to have a good day and that I love them. I get to wait for the bus while watering the plants in the yard. I get to receive phone calls from school nurses telling me one of my kids doesn't feel well. Yep, it is the most wonderful time of the year because I still have my babies and they go to school, and I still get to watch them grow.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Bad Mojo
Do you ever get the feeling that a bulls eye has been put on you from the bad luck fairy? I am walking around with barely any hair on my head because I was stupid enough to trust an establishment ....twice.
I went to the Hair Academy. Now before you laugh and say I deserved what I got, think about it. These students had a lot of training, plus a teacher who is supposedly a professional is watching them to make sure this cut is suppose to be right. The first time I went in the evening. I had my hair almost all one length except for my bangs. My hair hung passed my shoulders, middle part of my back. I asked for long layers. I told her my husband likes long hair so please leave as much as possible. The woman hacked at my hair with the teacher looking on, leaving me with a mullet, and one side was shorter than the other. I was mortified. The teacher looked it over and called it good. After 2 weeks of misery, I went back but this time, the day shift. Told them what happened. Well, you know how it is, they crucified the person in the evening, remarking what a bad job she did, the sides being uneven, yada yada. This time I came in with a picture. Surely they will be able to do a good job if I have an example of what I want. This girl is weeks away from graduating so she must be ready to do an acceptable job. She told me she would have to bring it just above my shoulders. She asked me to trust her. Stupid me I did. She hacked the rest of my hair off, and yes, now the other side is shorter than the other, and it is just barely passed my ears. I could cry. I learned one thing, I will leave the state if I ever need to get my hair done again.
The good thing in all of this is that I am taking my vitamins again. I need them so my hair can grow back faster....
I went to the Hair Academy. Now before you laugh and say I deserved what I got, think about it. These students had a lot of training, plus a teacher who is supposedly a professional is watching them to make sure this cut is suppose to be right. The first time I went in the evening. I had my hair almost all one length except for my bangs. My hair hung passed my shoulders, middle part of my back. I asked for long layers. I told her my husband likes long hair so please leave as much as possible. The woman hacked at my hair with the teacher looking on, leaving me with a mullet, and one side was shorter than the other. I was mortified. The teacher looked it over and called it good. After 2 weeks of misery, I went back but this time, the day shift. Told them what happened. Well, you know how it is, they crucified the person in the evening, remarking what a bad job she did, the sides being uneven, yada yada. This time I came in with a picture. Surely they will be able to do a good job if I have an example of what I want. This girl is weeks away from graduating so she must be ready to do an acceptable job. She told me she would have to bring it just above my shoulders. She asked me to trust her. Stupid me I did. She hacked the rest of my hair off, and yes, now the other side is shorter than the other, and it is just barely passed my ears. I could cry. I learned one thing, I will leave the state if I ever need to get my hair done again.
The good thing in all of this is that I am taking my vitamins again. I need them so my hair can grow back faster....
Friday, May 15, 2009
A Happy Thought
I have been wondering around NW Arkansas for the past 6 weeks through working at the Census Bureau. I have seen things that were just breath taking, and things that were just horrifying. It was a wonderful experience. All the good and the bad was well worth it. It gave me a unique perspective of the people here in Arkansas. I met some exceptional people. I am sure I will carry their images with me wherever I go. This week was our last week in this phase of our up coming census 2010. I am surprised how much I bonded with my crew and how much I will miss them in such a short time. 7 weeks ago I didn't even know them. I have learned alot about myself these past few weeks as well. I think I grew up more in these past few weeks, than I have in years. But instead of feeling old, I feel younger..ish again. Wow, it is not everyday you grow as a person...and for the better!!!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Blessed Are The Beasts
I love animals. When I am watching a movie, a hundred people can die and it doesn't effect me like when a trusted pet or animal companion dies. As far as I am concerned the movie is over and it was a stupid movie. Dances with wolves, when they killed off 2 socks, I was practically in tears...ok I was in tears....Hancock, when the German Shepherd got killed, it was painful for me. Especially since I have 2 German Shepherds.
Lately, much to my husbands disaproval, I have been looking in the pet section on Craigslist. Why, I don't know. It is just so hard to see people abandoning their pets. This particular article touched my heart:
Someone dumped this sweet baby out near us and by the time she found her way to us... and when my son tried to run her off. She was sooo malnurished and weak she collapsed. He took her to the house and fed her and bed her down for the night. The next morning she gave birth to 4 dead puppies. just pitiful. She carried one around for hours before she would let us have it without it making her panic>We figured she had been through enough so we decided to keep her for a couple of weeks get some weight on her and her feeling better again and find her a home. This girl is the sweetest thing! We have had her here over 3 months now and haven't seen a mean hair on her! Her tail is always spinning in a spiral whenever she see you! lol She loves to give kisses and wants to be next to you all the time. She is sooo snuggly and sweet! She has been in the house since the cold weather and is potty trained. Please give her a home she is around 30 pounds, she's not a tiny little dog but by not a big dog for sure. She is probably a little shorter than the average knee high. Her coat feels like a lab. She is black with brindle gold markings on her face and legs. Such a sweet face and and deserves to live the rest of her life with love!! Oh and she has been around a 3yr old while she has been here and has been awesome with her! She gets along fantastic with our 5 big dogs 6 cats and 4 horses! Thanx for lookin!! This was from the craigslist in Dallas.
I pray for the neglected animals of this earth. They are so willing to give their all for us. I also pray for the Lord to use me to help them. When someone loses their pet and are so distraught that they feel they can not get another or they feel they are too busy, I can't help but think how selfish they are if they are able to feed and love a pet, they should suck it up and give a homeless pet a good life. The life they could give them is better than what they have now. No animal deserves to die hungry, alone, and unloved. I tried to download a picture of her but was unable to. I hope and pray she finds a good home. I hope the Lord blesses the people who took her in and loved her, if just for a little while.
Lately, much to my husbands disaproval, I have been looking in the pet section on Craigslist. Why, I don't know. It is just so hard to see people abandoning their pets. This particular article touched my heart:
Someone dumped this sweet baby out near us and by the time she found her way to us... and when my son tried to run her off. She was sooo malnurished and weak she collapsed. He took her to the house and fed her and bed her down for the night. The next morning she gave birth to 4 dead puppies. just pitiful. She carried one around for hours before she would let us have it without it making her panic>We figured she had been through enough so we decided to keep her for a couple of weeks get some weight on her and her feeling better again and find her a home. This girl is the sweetest thing! We have had her here over 3 months now and haven't seen a mean hair on her! Her tail is always spinning in a spiral whenever she see you! lol She loves to give kisses and wants to be next to you all the time. She is sooo snuggly and sweet! She has been in the house since the cold weather and is potty trained. Please give her a home she is around 30 pounds, she's not a tiny little dog but by not a big dog for sure. She is probably a little shorter than the average knee high. Her coat feels like a lab. She is black with brindle gold markings on her face and legs. Such a sweet face and and deserves to live the rest of her life with love!! Oh and she has been around a 3yr old while she has been here and has been awesome with her! She gets along fantastic with our 5 big dogs 6 cats and 4 horses! Thanx for lookin!! This was from the craigslist in Dallas.
I pray for the neglected animals of this earth. They are so willing to give their all for us. I also pray for the Lord to use me to help them. When someone loses their pet and are so distraught that they feel they can not get another or they feel they are too busy, I can't help but think how selfish they are if they are able to feed and love a pet, they should suck it up and give a homeless pet a good life. The life they could give them is better than what they have now. No animal deserves to die hungry, alone, and unloved. I tried to download a picture of her but was unable to. I hope and pray she finds a good home. I hope the Lord blesses the people who took her in and loved her, if just for a little while.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I am not an Oak
I am not an oak. Ok, that may sound strange , but for as long as I can recall, whenever I was in a difficult time in my life, my Mother would say to me, "remember du bist eine Deutsch Eiche" which means You are a German Oak. In California, there are not too many Oak trees but plenty of beautiful oak furniture so I didn't seem to mind. After all it's just a saying. Then as life got rougher, I heard it all too often.
I live on 2 1/2 acres of Oak Trees. It seemed like a good idea at the time when we were looking for a home, but now I am plagued with ankle deep leaves in Fall. And most recently dealing with the ice storm mess that has showered my yard with tree width sized limbs all over the place courtesy of the over abundance of 40+ year old oak trees. After the insurance adjuster came out on Thursday, it was back to work. I don't know why it seemed like a revelation since I had an inkling prior to this, but I am extremely allergic to Oak Trees. Even though I took Claritin D that day for other allergy related whatevers, my lungs, sinus', and throat were plugged up as I went into the house gagging for air after about 3 hours of working in the yard. Usually if I am in the garden, I do not have too much contact with oak matter, so it wouldn't really bother me.
I still have no more than a whisper coming out of me when I speak. At least this week I have a real excuse for playing hooky from church.
So Mom, Ich bin nicht keine Deutsch Eiche! I'd call her myself but it seems I have been silenced by the rest of the oaks!
I live on 2 1/2 acres of Oak Trees. It seemed like a good idea at the time when we were looking for a home, but now I am plagued with ankle deep leaves in Fall. And most recently dealing with the ice storm mess that has showered my yard with tree width sized limbs all over the place courtesy of the over abundance of 40+ year old oak trees. After the insurance adjuster came out on Thursday, it was back to work. I don't know why it seemed like a revelation since I had an inkling prior to this, but I am extremely allergic to Oak Trees. Even though I took Claritin D that day for other allergy related whatevers, my lungs, sinus', and throat were plugged up as I went into the house gagging for air after about 3 hours of working in the yard. Usually if I am in the garden, I do not have too much contact with oak matter, so it wouldn't really bother me.
I still have no more than a whisper coming out of me when I speak. At least this week I have a real excuse for playing hooky from church.
So Mom, Ich bin nicht keine Deutsch Eiche! I'd call her myself but it seems I have been silenced by the rest of the oaks!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Life In A Holding Pattern
I am waiting for my life to start. You would think that at 44 years of age I would know what I want out of life. What I wouldn't give to have a goal or to know what I want out of life or what I want to be when I grow type of thing. Trying to find yourself is totally over-rated. I have been searching for years and still have no clue. I know I have been unhappy with some of my choices and know what I don't want...but the "do likes" are as allusive as sand crabs on a crowded beach. You see other people with them, but all you get is the sand streaming through your fingers as the tide washes your hopes away. I think part of my problem is I am many different people in one. My desires are so diverse that if I give in to one, it deprives the others. No, I am not Sybil. I do not turn into different people. Like music, I love classical and I love Gospel...and I love Aerosmith, Lil'Wayne, Pink, Josh Groben, Timberland, The Guess Who, Joan Jett, Old Christian hymns...well I think you get the idea. I don't like Blues (too depressing) or most Jazz (much to my husband's dismay).
There are people with "old souls". I guess those people just know as if they have been through this more than once. If that is the case, I have a brand new never been tried soul because I was born completely confused about life, and more than likely I will be in a confused state when I die. Then there are those that just fall into a wonderful life. I know life is a struggle, but boy, sometimes I just feel like I have had my share. So I am back to the waiting part. I am waiting for things to fall into place, or a sign to where I should go or do next. Until then, I will be here waiting to get to there with as little turbulence as possible. I just don't want to be stuck here indefinitely.
There are people with "old souls". I guess those people just know as if they have been through this more than once. If that is the case, I have a brand new never been tried soul because I was born completely confused about life, and more than likely I will be in a confused state when I die. Then there are those that just fall into a wonderful life. I know life is a struggle, but boy, sometimes I just feel like I have had my share. So I am back to the waiting part. I am waiting for things to fall into place, or a sign to where I should go or do next. Until then, I will be here waiting to get to there with as little turbulence as possible. I just don't want to be stuck here indefinitely.
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